Four years ago I was five months pregnant and trying to grapple with the impending changes in my life. I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant mere months after getting married, and dammit I had so many plans to accomplish. I remember those emotions as if it were yesterday – I was scared and unsure and excited and freaked out and happy all at the same time. I wasn’t READY for motherhood. I wasn’t one of those girls who had that motherhood gene ingrained in their soul and just knew all their lives they were destined to be a mother. And that, in and of itself, scared me that I would totally suck at this whole mom thing.
Four years later, I smile at those thoughts. So many worries were put to rest. Sure, creating and balancing a business just when you had a baby is difficult, but not impossible. Traveling (which fuels my soul) is more complicated, but still very easy especially when they’re young. But that biggest fear – the one of me missing some sort of maternal genetics – disappeared as soon as I saw Aviv for the first time. She had me – hook, line, and sinker. Something inside me shifted, changed, grew.
I became a mother.
I knew as soon as I held her in my arms that I would do ANYTHING for her. I stared and stared and stared at her face. Soaked in the beauty radiating from her. Floored, awed, humbled that she is mine.
Motherhood is an amazing thing. Aviv is three and a half years old, and I still find myself sometimes staring at her, awe struck. This past weekend we went to see Disney on Ice, and all of a sudden I became a weepy mess. Looking at the amazement in Aviv’s face as she took in the show I couldn’t stop tearing up. It was as though I couldn’t contain the love I felt for her.It overflowed, seeping through me.
I’ve been talking to a few friends lately about the changes parenthood brings. I like to keep it real: its not easy. And I was scared out of my mind when I was pregnant with Aviv. I was scared about so many things – and they all turned out just fine. Maybe not in the way I had envisioned them to be, but as the saying goes….. “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans”. Motherhood is a miraculous roller coaster that stretches your heart more than you can imagine it can stretch. In a good way.
There’s never a right time. There is always more money to save for a home, trips to go on, careers to start… I sure wasn’t ready. But it turned out to be the best thing in my life.
Aviv, by far, is my best accomplishment. She made me a mother, an Ima, and thereby forever changed my life in the most amazing way possible.
by Noa
1 comment
‘Loved reading your thoughts on motherhood! I remember you sharing your fears about the new role, but look at you now, a mere handful of years later and you’re rock SOLID! I loved you then, but I also love the woman you’ve become; so sensitive and passionate and deeply changed by that beautiful girl of yours.
Motherhood? Looks good on ‘ya.
xoxo